There are many kinds of relationships. Romantic, sibling, parent-child, friendship, collegial. If you connect with someone, then there’s some type of relationship happening. 

And, they all have one thing in common. 

They take consistent effort. 

Even the seemingly easy relationships aren’t easy. They aren’t overnight successes. They are the result of hard work. 

Over the years, these practices have been consistent in my world of making relationships work.

1. Relationships are give and take.

Relationships are never 50–50, 24/7. There are times when you take more and times when you give more. 

It balances out, so don’t keep score. If you keep score, you’re asking for trouble. It isn’t a competition. 

I’m so bad at this with friendships. I used to get frustrated when I was the one who was always reaching out to get together for coffee, lunch, or another type of outing. 

Then I had an epiphany. Why did it matter? If my friends didn’t want to spend time with me, they would start declining the offers. Eventually, I would get the hint.

Guess what? That doesn’t happen. Instead of getting frustrated or defensive (keeping score), I now realize that I am the organizer/social planner. 

2. Give each other space.

You need to give each other space. The space to grow, the space to cool off, the space to simply breathe.

Sometimes you need to give yourself a self-imposed timeout. Protecting the relationship means you need to walk away before you say something you’ll later regret, especially if you’re in a mood.

As much as my partner of 34+ years and I have in common and enjoy spending time together, we give each other space. We have interests outside each other. He likes to watch action shows, and I like to read. He plays golf, and I like at-home and gym workouts. He goes out to lunch and dinner with his friends, and I get coffee with mine. 

Giving each other space is a gift. When we get back together after spending time apart, we have so much more to talk about. 

3. Listening is THE key.

I should have listed this one first, honestly. 

Listening is key to any relationship, but listening is an incredibly challenging skill. We all want to be heard, and with that desire we miss out on half the conversation. 

We think about what we want to say next, and sometimes we might interrupt the other person to get our words out. I’ve been known to finish another person’s sentence just so I can get to what I want to say faster.

A friend called me out on it once. It had become such a reflex for me that I wasn’t even aware of it. However, once it was pointed out I worked hard to correct it. I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting better.

Another friend who is a former school counselor has this piece of advice when it comes to listening to someone who has a problem. 

Do you need to vent? Do you need advice? Do you need me to fix it?

Especially with the people closest to us, we think we automatically know what the other person needs. Instead, before the other person starts talking, ask the above questions. When they answer you, then you’re in the proper mindset to be the listener they need in that moment.

4. Give each other room to grow.

You’re not the same person you were at the beginning of a relationship. You’re going to change and grow. Things that you liked and had in common at the beginning might no longer exist.

Sometimes what you had in common was convenience. Take work colleagues, for example. It’s easy to be friends when you see each other every day at work. However, how many people do you still consider friends when you no longer work with them?

I’m willing to bet not many. You no longer have the commonality of your work environment. Sometimes, though, friends you no longer work with now have the time to grow and blossom. You get to know each other on a different level. But if you don’t, that’s okay too.

Change is inevitable and giving each other the space to grow individually and together is a beautiful gift.

5. Relationships have seasons.

Work relationships have seasons as previously stated. Intimate relationships have them too. 

As a mom to two incredible adult children, our relationships have evolved as they have moved from one phase of their lives to the next. The closeness we share manifests itself in different ways though. 

As a parent, it’s hard when you’re no longer the number one person in their immediate world, but they will always need me and I will always need them. 

There are times when we contact each other a lot and other times when we don’t. When it comes right down to it though, I will never be too busy for them. They are my ride or die no matter the season.

In Conclusion.

What I’m saying here is that relationships take work, no matter what kind they are. 

I once had a friend who I really worked hard to keep when we were no longer working together. I felt like we still had a lot in common and that we would continue to get together. We did for a while, and then it stopped. The plans I suggested were declined or weren’t even responded to. I eventually got the message and let that one go.

I had another friend I took for granted. I knew she would always be there, so I let our chance get togethers be the moments we got caught up. We vowed that we would get together more but we didn’t. And then she died recently and suddenly, and I’m devastated I didn’t do more for our friendship. The best way I can honor her is to do better moving forward.

So, take stock of your relationships. Which ones do you want to cultivate and continue growing? Figure that out and then take action.

Until next time…

Be well, friends.