I envy anyone who can sit in stillness. They are so relaxed and serene. They are the picture of peace.

I want to be that person.

I’m moving in that direction, and some days are easier than others.

Today is not one of those days. Today is a day that my brain is constantly going. My body feels like it should be constantly on the move, and I feel guilty if it I’m not doing something.

And I struggle with the whole walking thing just to get outside. I feel like it should be exercise and that I should be timing myself.

I don’t think anyone conditioned me to be this way consciously.

It’s been a decades long battle, and I’m ready to slow it down. Living intentionally means that I don’t always have to be on the move or doing something.

I can read a book, journal, watch something on TV, bake, and there doesn’t have to be a time frame for it. Like, I don’t have to make an appointment to read a book. When I want to, I can just do it.

And yet, I feel like I have to time everything out and I hate it.

Just a bit ago, I sat for five minutes at my desk doing nothing as part of a prompt before journaling about it.

The first 30 seconds or so were brutal. I was fidgety and wanted to straighten up my desk. Once I got through the initial desire to do something, doing nothing was quite nice.

I looked at a watercolor above my desk and contemplated getting a sketchbook to start drawing. I thought about getting rid of my iPad that I rarely use. I looked at my mug full of pens and noticed that most of them are black. I contemplated getting rid of my Apple watch as well.

And then just like that, my timer went off.

Even though I was once again summoned by the timing of doing something, it felt different this time. I felt more in control than I have in quite a while. I felt free, not bound by the constraints of needing to do anything in particular.